The beauty of hitting the wall

Monday I had another school conference for our middle son. Just like last time, I hear he's super smart but super emotional and that gets in the way. I shouldn't be going to conferences. I always end up crying. I don't want to hear about it. He's been on behavior plans since 4k. He'll get better as he grows. I'm a genius and so is my husband. His smarts and behaviors are stuff we had/have. Stop telling me about it because we're working on it.


This time they asked he see a counselor. Which makes sense. To us, he's just being our kid. Temperamental and crazy but our whole family is weird. It's ok at home. In school it gets in the way.


So yeah. Booking a counselor appt.


THEN. I find out that a patient who I worked so very hard for, like 30 hours of extra work outside the apt time...he wants to not only fire me-- but to file an official complaint. He's fired three other providers and filed complaints against them too. So I'm not alone but feels personal. I did the extra work because I wanted him to have all the care. I lost sleep over this patient. I worried about this patient. I should have known better. But I couldn't help myself.


THEN. I head off to 'trauma training' for my foster care license. This is a long effing class. Every Monday for 16 weeks at 3 hours a class. All about how trauma affects the brains of developing children and how it translates into some pretty gnarly behavior. The last classes are about how we, as a foster parents, can help heal them.


IT brings up tons of emotional baggage from our last 3 years as foster parents. It rips my guts out. I think the class might be killing me. And this Monday, after the patient, after the conference --I hit a wall.


With a half an hour left,  I was done with the class. I put my head in my hands, breathed and stayed upright. I looked normal but man I was done. I couldn't take any more information about these horribly traumatized kids and how we help them. I was done.


D.U.N.N. done.


But here's the beauty of hitting the wall...


I know have limits. I tend to think I am beyond superhuman strong. If I just plan things right,  I can be Hercules. That is false.


SO. At work I'm putting up some very thick boundaries. Concrete walls of no. I am hired for a reason and will make others do their own work.


SO. I will make absolutely sure Mr. Hall goes to all conferences from now on. I just can't.


AND. This class has three more classes. That'll I finish.


I'll let myself be free for a while. Enjoying the shock of hitting the wall.

Revelations from the road (or) Acres of Concrete Chaos

I recently spent four days at a work conference. Which sparked the following post.



In my life, I am never alone nor alone for long. On the road, I noted a glaring lack of demand on my person and time. I marveled at my table for one while polishing an entire magazine. Walking about, without holding a little one’s hand, my gait settled and slowed. Then I was startled by the sound of my own thoughts. Then I heard them in full sentences.

At first I was bewildered by this. Then I started recognizing my freedom. Free from the ties that bind. Last time I felt absolute freedom was in college. I was a young girl with short shorn hair, tied up like tail pipes. Feral, happy, little tailpipes. Running all over campus, becoming a nurse. That was the last time I was truly alone. It was ten years ago.

The days wore on. My feelings grew odder, then grew into lead. They lined the pockets of my peacoat and strained the hem of my skirt. Without my tribe, I felt temporarily disappeared. Which is to say I was very sad. Then I ordered two martinis at the bar. This helped a little.



The next day, I decided to get out of the hotel. My goal was to walk and see the sights. The big city had huge skyscrapers, acres of concrete chaos which left my eyes round. But the absence of Mr. Hall was killing me. My arms ached to hold him. My ribs missed his weight. My mouth craved his ear to whisper my awe.

In the end, I recognized the utter lack of balance in my life. The last vacation I had was three years ago. There is no excuse for this other than self neglect. I need to guard against the inertia that constant need creates. Guard against it like a junk yard dog. I have gobs of vacation time saved up. It’s high time Mr. Hall and I used it.

So we will go. I will wear high heels and a low cut dress. I will be his hot wife, fawning all over my man. Blowing on his dice because baby needs a new pair of shoes. We will get drunk and giggle till my cheeks get red. We will get a room with two beds. Because The Tribe Called Hall started with us. It’s time to tend the roots.

Guess what I'm doing for the next three days, go ahead, guess

I'm going away.

I'm going to a psychiatric conference. Which means I will leave from work tomorrow and drive 3 hours to a very BIG BIG city. Driving without kids in the backseat. Which is weird. I'm driving all by myself with maps. I have a hotel booked and everything. Booked it all by myself even.

I've never been to a conference before. But, to keep up my license up, I need continuing education hours. This will be 18 hours all told. Plus my work reimburses me for the conference and hotel/travel. I should have padded the travel expenses more.

This is so boring to talk about. I apologize. I mean, the conference itself should be interesting. But, it's all technical stuff. Neurotransmitters and whatnot. Doesn't translate well into blog form. Plus, I'm not paying for internet access so I am off the grid for three days. And I don't have internet on my phone cause I'm cheep.

CHEEP I SAY!

So you don't get to hear about it anyway.

ME NO LIKEY NO PUTER AND NO BLOGGY BLOG!!! ME NO LIKEY NO FACEBOOK!!

Plus, the thing is, is that, it just feels so odd. I mean, I will be without husband and children for three days. I've never really been without everyone. I already feel lonely about it. I mean, I'll be a solo member of the Tribe called Hall. Gallivanting about. It's so weird to think about.

ME NO LIKEY BEING SOLO TRIBE MEMBER!!

Who I am suppose to put on time outs? Whose socks am I suppose to hunt for? Who I am suppose to spoon at night? I mean, I'll call Mr. Hall through out the day but, gah.

Crap. Am I really this needy? Have I no identity outside of Mrs. Hall-- wife, mother nurse and friend?

I will be extremely busy though. Attending presentation after presentation. Learning things. Being all professional and such. I won't be going out after the long days though. I will be sticking to the the hotel. No need for met to venture out after the days are done. Lone single female in a big city after all. Safety first.

I'll get room service.

Stare at the cable television.

Maybe I'll bring booze to the hotel room. Is it bad to drink alone?

It's all so weird.

OK, that's all I got.

Wish me luck as I do something I've never done before.