I've had an entire week, here at the House of Hall. Complete with my son, daughter and husband. We've kept our schedule light and breezy. Plenty of time for my kids to spend hours in their own little playworld. They create entire scenarios with their dragons, reptiles and assorted lego figurines. For hours and hours they'll play. Their dynamic works quite well, my daughter is a leader and my son follows. They love each other so much.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Pancake and her Daddy were making Lego castles today. Her little brother was down for a nap. I was about to go up for a nap when the phone rang. It was an automated message informing us that one of the school teachers had passed away. We didn't recognize his name because he wasn't Pancake's teacher. I asked her if she knew what had happened. "He got sick, in his brain.", she said.
Then her Daddy asked her, "So, what are your feelings on the matter?" I loved the way he asked it. He was asking her opinion on the matter, the pros and the cons. Maybe brainstorm ideas on how to handle the sad of the situation. It was loving, thorough and efficient. Which explains a lot of Mr. Hall.
Then we asked Pancake about the teacher. Again, she didn't really know him. She described him though, she said, "He had blond hair and he was big. Not as big as you Daddy, but close."
Daddies are huge. So is their love :)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I remember his x-wife talking of how he would call her 6-7 times a day. How magnetic he was. How he spoke of high ideals and lofty goals. How he was largely missing such things in his personal life. I think he served his x-wife with divorce papers while she was in the hospital. While she was getting treatment for cancer no less. YEP. He's kind of missing some moral fiber. He's all clogged with gluttony and greed. Seems he's using high minded talk and using the buzz words of Christianity to fulfill those needs.
This doesn't really bother me though. What bothers me is that he is the face of white Christian man in power. And while I'm not one to judge (SHUT UP I AM NOT!) I really feel he needs to focus more on getting right with God then seeking office. Plus, he's saying some boneheaded things lately. This is where people get there ideas about Christians.
Look. We Christians are not a perfect people. I am perfectly capable of doing bad, selfish, mean and ugly things to my fellow man. I'm not proud of this, but I need to fess up and ask forgiveness now and again. I really, really, really try to base my actions, to root them if you will, in the ground of God. To do things in His glory.
Which is what my husband and I prayed about last night. We prayed about stopping the birth control. We prayed about our blessings as man and wife, of our children, of all that we have. We prayed that we would be blessed with another baby so we can raise them in His name, according to His word. We prayed that we would be doing all of this in His name.
It was a really good prayer. We've stopped all birth control and are giving it up to God.
THAT BEING SAID.
Wait, let me back up and completely change the subject first.
After we lost the last baby I disconnected myself from all the websites I use to go to. I stopped my account at babycenter dot com, etc. AND as I said in my last post. I won't be going to them anymore. God doesn't want me to be all hunched over, scouring websites for information. Spending hours in doctor's offices. God wants me to be happy.
Then, THAT BEING SAID.
Today, I went to the mail box and what did I spy with my little eye? A free sample of baby formula. Just like the one pictured above. Again, random free samples of baby stuff stopped when I disconnected myself from all those websites.
So why now? Why a bucket of powdered hope?
Because God loves me. He loves us! He loves all of us.
I realize breast is best but!!!
I totally believe it's a sign!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I've been neglecting yon blog as of late. I just don't have much to say. My real life has picked up, which is nice.
The foster parent journey continues on. Met with the social worker and she had me explain myself for about 45 minutes. Kinda like a free therapy session really. It's been a while that someone new wanted to know every last detail about me. Of course, she's interested in me as future foster mom for the foster kids in her charge. But still, it's nice to be asked.
Then . . .
We got the bill from our recent adventures in birth control. Thank GOODNESS AND GOD ABOVE we have insurance. Seriously, the entire bill was about a 1000 dollars and we paided about 20% of that. That's right. Co-pay of about 2 hundo!
THEN . . .
There are talks. Husband and wifely talks. Of craziness . . of the last six months post miscarriage. Of body, mind, soul and God. Of what if we . . . . wait . .
what if we . . .
What if we let go of the birth control? What if we don't try to prevent a pregnancy.
This (of course) unleashes yards and yards of crazy inside. It was good crazy though. Healing crazy. Soothing tears and hugs and what if's that make me us happy.
So we discussed all of this for long amounts of time. Months go by. We revisit. We think and pray and think and pray and hold each other. And wow. It's crazy and calm now.
SO . . . .
even before the check clears from our co-pay, we'll be trying again. Which wow, really? Now we have to tell the social worker we still want to sign up for a foster care liscense but- we can only do respite care for other parents for now. I feel really bad about this part. I didn't realize what I was feeling as I felt it and I didn't realize my husband was still feeling his feelings and OH MY GOODNESS.
Then the craziness starts in a whole different way. I've been through five pregnancies, two live births and three miscarriages. Yet, during the last lady part exam, I was told I was healthy and awesome. Well, not awesome per se, but healthy at least.
Then----well, NOW actually--my task is to figure out how to negiogiate this. How do I get pregnant again? I realize how, but how do i deal with my crazy? I can say that I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER OB GYN AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I DON'T WANT ANY STUPID TESTS OR PEOPLE TOUCHING MY JUNK. I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD I HAVE TO TAKE EXTRA STUFF TO KEEP MY PREGNANCY HEALTHY AND I'M NOT GOING TO STOP DOING YOGA.
Of the list above, I think I can avoid OB GYN care until maybe the 20th week. Then I don't have to see them until the birth. And nobody has to touch my stuff. I can say no.
Mr. Hall and I will be employing a doula (kinda like a midwife) because I want my care to be from someone who doesn't triple book me into a 10 minute time slot.
And last but not least, I'll turn towards God during all of this.
Because God wants me to be happy, happy with my bible studies, happy with my church family, happy in His word. Happy with my children and blessings and happy happy happy. God designed women to be fruitful and let His blessings grow. I can get pregnant, grow a beautiful baby and birth them. He has given me two before. Miracles can happen, they've happened to us! This is how I'm dealing with. I'm choosing to be happy!
He doesn't want me to be in some doctor's office, chewing my nails and looking baleful. So, I won't!!
So, let's raise a glass shall we?
Here's to getting my hopes up!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
That's a nice photo isn't it? It's Sgt. Hall and the wee Mac. He's now retired from the Air National Guard. He is home all the time now, which is a new normal. Which means I'm free to never again schedule our lives around guard drill weekends, two week guard excursions or tours in Iraq. It's a nice, new normal. Awesome even.
Also, health wise, things are getting back to normal. I've been stalling in fits and starts with my new healthiness. Losing and gaining the same 10 lbs over and over again. I made an appt with a dietitian and realized that I need to be more responsible. I'm logging my food at sparkpeople.com (it's free) and getting back to reality.
The reality is, is that I have no idea how to eat healthy. It's like building this whole new skill set. I'm learning that my entire diet cannot be centered around lean cuisine meals and diet coke. Learning that I don't have to do things I use to-- but how I use to do things was so normal. And this is how I came to be 172 lbs. I'm now down to 168. I say this on purpose. I don't like saying it , but saying it is one of the ways I can keep accountable.
Oddly enough, the more I keep track of my food, the less I think about it.
It's still kind of weird, not eating my former staples. It's odd not craving sweets or rummaging through the fridge for a late night snack. Also, I don't eat out anymore. That is just sad! Well not sad, just not worth it. There are no restaurants that serve quality choices on the healthy side of the menu. It's all fake sugar and low fat blandness. Nobody can do a decent salad around here without it being bullshit iceberg lettuce and a single sad tomato.
Then there are the social gatherings. I eat a balanced yummy dinner before the pizza parties and potato bar bonanzas. My absolute adoration for diet coke has now faded into a nostalgic murmur. I really like drinking water. I focus on chatting with the others during these gatherings. It makes them more fun really. In fact, I'm having more fun overall. :)
Which is fine.
I give up. I'll eat the earthy bounty before me so that I may enjoy the taste of life. I'll exercise not to get in shape but to thrive in my life. And soon, these habits won't be so strange. Someday, this will be normal. :)